5 Tips on How to Exercise When You Have Chronic Joint Pain

1. Don’t.

2. Lie down on the couch and remember the last time you did minor exercise that tiny babies can do without problems and it laid you out for a week.

3. Realize that nothing will ever get better and you will die like this. If you had to run from a bad guy, you wouldn’t be able to, or you would push through it and end up incapacitated for the foreseeable future. Realize that the best you can hope for is a death that is less painful than your life. Not that you don’t like your life– it’s wonderful, and there’s beauty all around, but there’s the ever-present throb, the sharp ache, the stabbing weakness that makes you suck in your breath when your joints give out and it feels like someone’s yanking you by the leg; you’re always conscious of it, it’s like a sore in your mouth you can’t stop tonguing.

4. Remember that there are all these youtube videos about people with problems like yours who did yoga, or pilates, or sold their souls, and they have their testimonials about how great their lives are now. Don’t watch them. They won’t give you hope; they’ll just piss you off.

5. I don’t know, I want to end this on a positive note. You can get through this, or whatever. Things do get better. I guess. Don’t do 100 jumping jacks because you’re cocky and throw your knee out.  Maybe do something low impact, like crying.

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