Fiddler on the Roof: deleted scenes

I saw Fiddler for the first time yesterday and there are some problems.  Well, a couple problems. Well, one problem: why is the fiddler fiddling on the roof?  Yes, I understand that it’s a metaphor, but there’s a literal dude actually playing a genuine dang fiddle on a real roof.  What’s that about?

So I decided to expand the script of Fiddler to explain this unusual phenomenon of roof fiddlers.  Here’s three alternate scenes that can just be stuffed anywhere in the script.

Scene A:
Tevye: By the way, Fiddler, why are you fiddling on the roof?
Fiddler: I may represent God, constantly looking over you. That’s why at the end of the movie I’m following your caravan.
Tevye: Yeah, but why do you, as a nonmetaphorical person do that?
Fiddler: So people can better hear my fiddle.  It’s acoustics.
Tevye: That makes sense.

Scene B:
Golde: Tevye!  Tevye!  You’ll be late for Sabbath!
Tevye: I won’t be late!
Golde: That man, he’s fiddling on the roof again!
Tevye: It’s an infestation of roof fiddlers!  I hear other towns have flutists in their wells… what beautiful, watery sounds they make, echoing against the stone walls. But for us in Anatevka, only roof fiddlers!  Only ever fiddlers on the roof. [turns to face the camera and gives it a knowing look, like Jim from The Office]

Scene C:
Tevye: I should have known!  Lazar Wolf, the butcher, was Laser Wolf all along, a wolf with lasers attached to him!
Lazar/Laser Wolf: [removes skin mask to reveal his true nature]  Woe is me! I’ve been found out!
Tevye: Quick, roof fiddler!  You must fiddle! Laser wolves can’t abide the sound of music played on top of rooftops, especially from string instruments.
Fiddler: [fiddles]
Lazar/Laser Wolf: Don’t do it!  I can’t abide the sound of music played on top of rooftops, especially from string instruments!  [he runs away howling and clutching his ears, and the town of Anatevka is once again safe from Laser Wolf, leader of the laser wolves]

I’ll be awaiting my royalty checks.


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