I hate change. I’d rather stay in a bad situation than risk that things are going to be different. Even good changes freak me out. If my routine changes even a tiny bit, I forget to do important things like taking my medicine. It just slides out of my head. I’ve tried alarms on my phone, being mindful, etc, and it all just slips away.
Change is in my top five fears, after zombies and before talking to strangers. My current hierarchy of fears goes: dead birds, dead other things, zombies, change, strangers, embarrassing myself, dying before I accomplish my dreams, butterflies, wild animals, domesticated animals. You know. Pretty standard fears.
My siblings are busy being incredible. My sister is married with a baby, moving into a bigger house today. My brother is moving to Orlando for an awesome hotel job today. It means that growing up is on my mind. I’m being incredible in my own way, except it’s a quiet way, without much change.
My niece is a great change. It took me a bit to get used to my sister being pregnant, but I’m utterly in love with my niece, so I know that scary change can be good. Every time the Doctor regenerates I think I’ll never love the next Doctor as much, but I do. When I move, I feel like things will never be the same, but I eventually forget what it felt like to walk old halls. I forget that my friends looked any different than they did before they got haircuts. I acquire a new normal, even though it feels impossible at the time. I reach equilibrium.
I know that I can’t stay where I am, the way I am, forever. I’m trying to prepare myself for that, but it isn’t easy. I want more than what I have. I want things to be different without the pain of change, and that leaves me in a sort of stasis. Stasis can’t last. I have to turn and face the strange.