Top Three Fictional Weight Loss Methods

Jodi’s Shakes.  Drink these, and you’ll get super Small-ville. You Kent go wrong!

I… I can’t do this anymore.  Basically, this is during the freak of the week stint of Smallville, and Jodi Melville (whale jokes were made) drank these veggie shakes that were grown, unknowingly, in soil tainted by green kryptonite.  This gave Ms. Melville rapid weight loss and the black hole appetite and metabolism of a fifteen year old boy.

Cravinggreenk

smallville107.1

Pros:

You’re eating organic, until you start devouring whatever’s in reach. Including, but not limited to, roadkill and people.

If you go after a cute guy, you could call it “hunk food.”

You can eat however much you want of whatever you want.

You turn into Amy Adams.

Cons:

Ravenous hunger.

Potential murderous impulses.

You make this face when you eat, and that is the stuff of nightmares.

scary amy adams

Cost: whatever a blender costs if you don’t already have one, endless amounts of food, your sanity.

I would not recommend this diet.

Adipose Industries. 

A Doctor Who episode where a pill makes little one kilo globs of fat pop out of your body in the middle of the night.  Bonus: they’re adorable.  I’d summarize the plot, but it’s too bizarre to break down into two or three coherent sentences.  Just trust me.  Look at him wave!

adipose

Pros:

Did you even look at these little guys?  They’re the best.

You don’t have to change your diet or exercise level.

It’s like getting a clean slate.  No scarring, none of the risks of surgery, and as the commercial says, “The fat just walks away!”

Cons:

If someone messes with a weird necklace thing, you could be completely dissolved into these little dudes.  But what are the chances of that?

Cost: 45 pounds, which is the same as $70.40, for a three week course of pills, one pill per day.

If you don’t mind being used as a surrogate for alien lumps of sentient fat (which I don’t), this is the perfect diet pill for you!

Canyon Valley Spa.

This is less cute and cuddly.

monster

Basically, two pishtacos (Peruvian fat-suckers) open up a spa, and use that as a front to get fed.  It’s mutually beneficial!  They get fed, Americans get skinny.

Pros:

It’s a pretty miraculous transformation.  No lifestyle changes necessary, though the spa does promote healthy eating, too, and yoga.

A few short sessions and you’re done.

And to make up for the previous picture... here's Sam Winchester doing push ups in shorts.

And to make up for the previous picture… here’s Sam Winchester doing push ups in shorts.

Cons:

It leaves a circular scar on your back.

It’s kind of… skeevy, I guess?  They drug you with pudding, then hoover you when you’re out.

If they take too much they can kill you, and it takes a lot of work for them to develop that kind of self-control.

Cost:  Probably a lot.  It’s a pretty exclusive spa.

This is the most expensive option, and tied with Jodi’s Shakes for the grossest.  But if it works, it works, and you’re out cold the whole time.  I’d rather do this than diet.