I am a better romantic prospect than Charles Manson

Charles Manson is getting married and I’m still single and this is irritating.  So here is a picture with a few of the reasons why I am better suited to marriage than Charles Manson.

not charles manson

I am far from perfect.  I’m flawed.  I’m kind of romantically stunted.  I’m messy.  I don’t really care for wearing makeup (why do people care so much about their eyelashes and eyelids???  They’re just dust covers for your eyeballs), and fashion, while I get it in theory, is one thing I’m never going to put effort into. I’m maybe overly fond of candy.  I can be insensitive, though I try hard not to be.  There are many people who are better than me, both in looks, and in talent.  But I am definitely better than Charles Manson.

Me > Charles Manson

Other people > me > Charles Manson

Say if we’re all cakes.  The first one is an other people cake.  The second one is a me cake.  The third is a Charles Manson cake.

cake

What if we’re all flowers?  The first one is an other person flower.  The second is a me flower.  Not as romantic as a rose, but still pretty good.  The third is a Charles Manson flower.  Yuck!

flowers

Look, I’m not saying I’m a saint.  I’ve done some things I regret.  But I have never murdered people or advocated murdering people, a fact in which I take great pride.  I don’t have racist conspiracy theories.  If I ever got a forehead tattoo, it would be a manifesto about how much I value other people and that I love them.  I have a big forehead.  It would fit.

Seriously, guys.  This is preposterous!  I have never even stabbed anyone!  Zero people stabbed!  Even if I stabbed two or three people, I’d still have a better track record than Charles Manson.  I could even murder a handful of people, and I’d still be in better standing!

I just don’t understand.  I can’t look into love the way that Neo looks into the Matrix and understand its mechanics.  I can’t read love the way that I read books, or touch love the way I touch my keyboard when I type, creating it from bits and pieces, fragments of concepts and ideas.  But I can say, truly, that I’m no longer in the mood for such malarkey.  If Charles Manson can find love and I can’t, then love is more incomprehensible than I thought, and probably nonsense.

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Dating Application

Please fill out at your convenience.  One letter of recommendation preferred, though more are acceptable.  Only one person will be accepted into this position, though other applications may be kept on file.

Please e-mail all completed applications and letters of recommendation to hepedoto@gmail.com

dating application .docx

dating application .doc

dating application .pdf