A Script for Dealing with Lactose Intolerance

ME: Oh, I don’t know that? Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I stop by the fridge and open it up. And I grab some cereal, I pour you in, and shovel you in my mouth, and it’s great (until it isn’t). You know what the best part of my day is? It’s for about 10 seconds from when I walk over to the fridge to when I open the fridge’s door. Because I think maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll open the fridge and you won’t be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin’. Just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.

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ICE CREAM MAN: Do not try and eat the ice cream —- that’s impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth.
ME: What truth?
ICE CREAM MAN: There is no ice cream.
ME: There is no ice cream?
ICE CREAM MAN: Then you will see that it is not the lactose that digests, it is only yourself.

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MILK: Oh, you think the lactose is your ally, but you merely adopted lactose. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see Almond Milk until I was already a man; by then, it was nothing to me but a novelty! The lactose betrays you, because it belongs to me. I will show you where I have made my home, whilst preparing to bring justice. Then, I will break you. Your precious heating pads, gratefully accepted. We will need them. Ah yes, I was wondering what would break first. Your stomach, or your will.

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ME: This is my Coconut Milk. There are many others like it, but this glass is mine. My Coconut Milk is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my Coconut Milk is useless. Without my Coconut Milk, I am useless. I must drink my Coconut Milk. I must drink deeper than my enemy, who is trying to hurt my tummy. I must drink before he tempts me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my Coconut Milk and myself are defenders of my stomach, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

 

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