Dear Marvel Comics,
I mostly love your work, okay? With an exception made for Wolverine’s origin movie — which is an abomination, I think we can all agree, I actually use it in my scale for terribleness (on a scale from Wolverine to Avengers, I thought the new Captain America was a solid X-Men First Class).
But there’s one thing your movies have been seriously lacking. Beak.
I read his stint in Xavier’s Institute of Higher Learning when I was still in my formative years. Back when I was first learning to be a writer. Back when my high school library had just gotten a graphic novel section. Back when I was embarrassed that people might think I was reading smut because of basically every page that Emma Frost was in. And Beak’s been my favorite X-Men ever since.
Here’s why: he’s grotesque. And it’s not even that his bulging eyes and taloned fingers are hiding a superior intellect (Beast, beneath the blue and fur, for example, is still kind of attractive and he’s usually the smartest mutant in the room). Beak is funny, but not Deadpool funny. This is the man who brought us: “Keep your beer and cigarettes — I’m straight-edge hardcore. My body is a temple” and “I’m totally naked, self-conscious and crazy in the head. Please, I deserve pants as a basic human right.” Underneath everything, he’s sweet, sometimes kind. But severely messed up. A freak in a school of freaks. The underdoggiest of all underdogs. The bottom of the barrel.
He’s not a person with a flaw. He’s a flaw with a person. That’s how I try to write my characters. I’m tired of beautiful women with perfect bodies in skintight outfits. I’m done with dashingly attractive men with wide shoulders and muscles on top of muscles. I’m so over special snowflakes with pouty lips who have every reason to believe they’re the focus of the story. And I hate ugliness hiding great brilliance and nobility. That’s a cliché that needs to die– not Jean Grey style, but legit, with a big granite headstone and a padlock on the casket for good measure.
You have to put Beak in a movie. Come on, guys. Pander to me, and I’ll never complain about plot holes again. Beak literally has nothing going for him except for his vague moments of heroism and occasional crushing guilt. I don’t expect him to have his own movie, but he can surely have a cameo. Maybe with Angel and his brood of freaklings.
How can you even say no to this face? He’s perfect. For varying definitions of the word.
With love, and also begging,